the 's' word

It could be because I'm conservative, that I'm shy, modest, cautious, that I come from a religious family, that Jesus is looking down on me from every nook and cranny of our house. It could be because I'm a good girl and always listen to my parents. Because I do, although I no longer permit my mother to dress me. I would even say that I come from a loving family, even if Lyndsey and Lexie do beat each other whenever they get the chance. They don't care if Mom and Dad are watching.

But I know at least one of these things is a reason I never want to have sex. Which is a problem because I would love to be married and have kids.

As you grow up, you learn that sex is bad. It's something you don't talk about outloud, at least when you're young. I remember being in fifth grade and reading from my science book, and the textbook briefly mentioned "sexual organisms." A girl from my class got that paragraph and she read the words outloud, and I was mortified for myself and ESPECIALLY for her. I later heard her whisper to someone that if she had seen the word "sexual," she would have skipped her turn.

My mom used to tell me that "boys only want one thing." "They'll use you and walk away," she would say. "Then the girl ends up alone and pregnant. Boys use love to get sex. Girls use sex to get love." Well, that's pretty scary! Boys were the enemy. I surely didn't want to be a stupid girl like my mom talked about. Besides, I was shy and I got embarrassed easily. I never went to any dances in junior high. I remember a boy called me when I was in fifth grade to ask me to the end-of-the-year dance. So embarrassing! It was the shortest phone conversation of my life, and when I hung up the phone, my mom asked who it was. I told her it was an Asian girl in my class that she didn't know -- like maybe the girl's non-existant accent could sound the same as a boy's voice. I mean, I was desperate!

"Sex is only okay when you're married." This perturbed me a little bit. You go to a church in a white dress, kiss in front of the entire congregation and cut the wedding cake, and suddenly you have God's blessing? Suddenly a boy stops becoming evil, stops only wanting one thing? How do you know? "If he waits until marriage, that means he loves you," my mom would say. What if he's just waiting until marriage to use me? What if the marriage happens and then I realize that, in actuality, I'm still TERRIFIED of sex? Um. Whoops.

There are sex toys. Condoms. Vibrators. Sexy lingerie. Lubricant. Threesomes. One-night stands. And probably some of the ugliest parts on the human body. This is supposed to be love? This is how we show someone that we're in love with them, that we'll love them forever?

Traditionally, women who had sex before marriage were considered the dregs of society. Once you had sex, you were worthless. Your life was meaningless. Because someone inserted his penis in your vagina? What does that have to do with meaning? What about intelligence, beauty, smiles, laughter, hugs, happiness? Is that meaningless?

So I don't really see the direct correlation between sex and love. I don't see the virtue in it, and I wish God could have come up with a holier method of having kids. Or at least a way that people didn't decide to abuse to make it ugly.

I hope I get a different outlook on things. I would really like to be a mommy.