My life story (abridged to include all the bad stuff)

I am so comfortable with life right now. I love my classes and I love where I live. I have such good friends here; Carly and I exchange at least three e-mails every day; and I get to go see Wendy and Keith in less than a week!

For awhile, I was really worried that there was something wrong with me - that regardless of my situation, I would never be happy and I would never find happiness. Maybe my definition of happiness was different than everyone else's. Maybe I had set my happiness standard too high. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be for me.

I can't remember my last truly happy year. The last two years of high school were tough, with Leah moving and Becky getting sick. I think that's when I really started to pull away from everyone and treasure my alone time. It wasn't what everyone else was doing, but I had never really felt like 'everyone else' to begin with.

My freshman year of college was a bust. I had all of these elaborate dreams of independence, but when it really came down to it, my mom and dad practically had to drag me kicking and screaming to school. I'll never forget sitting in my car in our garage, tears streaming down my face, and my mom and dad standing outside just looking at me - crushed but not sure what to do for me. Maybe things wouldn't have been so bad had I not despised my roommate. Or if the end of my floor didn't have a constant haze of marijuana smoke. Or if I had actually made friends.

I'm not sure I will ever be able to look back and say to myself, "What a growing experience! Good thing I went through that." because, you know, it really sucked. I think it's one of those life experiences I could have bypassed and still turned out okay. But maybe, just maybe, it helped me appreciate my next roommate's greatness that much more.

We clicked on the first day that we met. She later admitted to me that she was really nervous when she first walked in and all of my stuff was there but not me. She looked at my hot pink bedspread, my hot pink lamps, my hot pink rugs and my closet full of clothes and shoes, and she thought she had a sorority girl on her hands. But then we met and talked all through the night, and then every night after that, and to this day I consider her one of my best friends.

Maddie and I had a great first semester together. I don't remember too many details, just that Maddie would pretend to be offended every time my mom called and asked what was up, and I said, "Oh, nothing at all!" - even though Maddie and I had been in the middle of a conversation. And I didn't mean to do this, but I kept doing it, over and over again, on accident - and every time it slipped out of my mouth, my eyes would get big and I would look over at Maddie, and she would be pretend-glaring at me.

Then the next semester came and everything changed. I started the semester off in a bad way, and it just went downhill from there. I have never been more depressed in my life, and I didn't think it was possible to go lower than I had been before. When I finished my time reporting for the newspaper, again, like before, it should have been, "Wow. I finished something that I never thought I would. Look at all I've accomplished." Instead, it was more like numbness. When I walked out the door on my last day there, I felt more like collapsing than celebrating.

So then I had a really crappy summer - blah blah blah. Being home was great and it should have been the most relaxing summer of my life, but I was in rehab too much too enjoy it (not literally, but that might have helped).

I was really honestly tired of people telling me that I had to make my own happiness - and me feeling that they were absolutely right. If I wanted to be happy, I could have been, damnit. I SHOULD have been. Another thing to feel bad about. I wanted to be miserable and I was selfish for not being happy with what I had.

And THEN I went to London, and as you all know, I had the most amazing time. It didn't really strike me until late in the semester, when I was talking to my friend Nikki online. I realize that Nikki is a surprising font of profundity (I love you, Nikki!!!), but what she said really struck me. She said, "Ash, I'm really glad you found a place where you can be happy. You should stay there." And I sat in stunned unable-to-type-back mode. What if there really is A Place for Everyone? And what if I had found mine?

Whether London is My Place has yet to be determined. What is for certain, however, is that I am not a mutant, that happiness did not decide to evade me. It's out there. I'm waiting for more, and I'm enjoying it while it lasts. And I'm optimistic that 2007 could be my year of angels singing and trumpets blaring and happiness excess.