The flatmates plus Jon and Lara went to St. Paul's Cathedral for Evensong tonight, but since I have been soooo good with this whole anti-antisocialness thing, I permitted myself to decline the invite and have the flat to myself. Besides, I have very important things to do, like reading the worst book ever written for my International Issues class, doing my British Life and Cultures essay, conditioning my hair, and writing this blog, of course!

Yesterday, Wendy and I headed out at 9 a.m. for Paddington Station (home of Paddington bear!) to catch the train to Windsor. I have been dreaming of going to Windsor Castle my whole life. Of course, in my dreams I was wearing a sparkly evening gown and a tiara, so I was bound to be disappointed. I always do that to myself!

Windsor Castle is very foreboding. It's made entirely of gray stone and was originally intended to be a fortress for the army. It sits on top of a huge hill and looks like something you would see in a storybook. I can't say it's a pretty castle, but it's very much what you would expect a castle to look like. We walked through all the state rooms and into the royal gardens, and we also saw the Queen's dollhouse. Apparently she was obsessed with dolls and had this elaborate dollhouse made. The dollhouse is probably 12 foot by 12 foot, with miniature, detailed EVERYTHING - and even has electric lights. Fit for a queen indeed.

By the time we finished with the castle we were STARVING, so Wendy and I found a cute little Greek restaurant that happened to be out of everything we wanted - but we got it right on the third try. I ended up with a jumbo cod, chips (french fries) and a Mediterranean salad, and Wendy ordered roast reef with roasted potatoes and steamed vegetables. Soooo yummy. After that, we wandered through various shops, lamenting the prosperous state of the British economy that prevented us from buying anything. We wandered past a fudge shop that was handing out free samples, though. Mmmm!

We crossed the bridge that separated Windsor from Eton, and the river was teeming with white swans (I have a picture that will be posted as soon as humanly possible!). The town of Eton was so cute and is home to the famous and EXTREMELY prestigious Eton College, somewhat the equivalent of a junior high/high school for boys. Princes William and Harry attended. It looks like a university and I'm sure costs more than a university. I was in heaven - it reminded me of my love affair with Oxford.

Anyway, Wendy and I both had a great day, and we got along so well. She's a business major at SLU who says that she doesn't really know anyone outside of the business school (I didn't realise there was someone at SLU who didn't know you, Car), but she *might* know Diana. She's really independent and told me that she had already planned her fall break (to Salsburg, Vienna and Venice) - and is going BY HERSELF. I was very impressed but also glad that it wasn't me. I wouldn't enjoy it as much if I didn't have someone to share it with! She met this British guy named Dave her first night here, and they've been casually dating, so I made her promise to invite me to the wedding, which she said she wants held in Windsor. She promised. :) Yay.

That night, Jon had to go to work (he works in a theatre about an hour away), so it was just us girls. We got somewhat dressed up and walked to a pub, where we sat outside while Diana and Nichole sipped their drinks and talked and gossipped and laughed. We decided that some night we would get REALLY dressed up, in the nicest things we brought, and go out to a fancy restaurant and order dessert. OOOH - and I almost forgot. When I got home from my castle excursion, I walked into the living room to find all of the furniture completely rearranged. It looks so much better! We had a cabinet that was full of books left from past students - books about London, geography, the American frontier, theatre, you name it. We also have a random guitar in an upstairs closet. Anyway, we decided that we are going to sell the books and guitar to a secondhand shop and then split up the money for food (or shopping, or toilet paper, or whatever). Hehehe. When we got home from the pub last night, we were walking up the stairs and another girl was complaining about all of the books in her room, and I was like, "We'll take them!" So ingenius. I hope we don't get sent home for this. I also suggested selling the curtains, television and icky sofa (I got really into this idea), but everyone else said no. :( I suppose that would look suspicious for our end-of-the-year room inventory.

So I'm just chilling in the flat right now! It's really warm today. I can't decide if I want it to be warm or to be cool. The London weather can't decide either.

I've been kind of depressed the last couple of days. I think that I'm so busy during the week, with classes and work, that I don't have time to think about my emotions or my level of homesickness. When I actually have a chance to breathe, I think about things and realise that I'm sad. I've been having little thoughts playing in my head since the middle of summer actually. Dwelling on it a little more last night, I think I was really shakened by Fr. Sheahan's death. I am completely and utterly terrified of death. Not my own, but the deaths of people that I love. If one of my family members or close friends died, I would shut down. It's hard for me to even think of the level of despair that would come about, but I think I would get to a place where I didn't feel anything, and I would cease to be a person. I got a taste of that when Fr. Sheahan died. I would say that his death was as unexpected as could be for a person who was 86 years old. We got the phone call right before my mom and I were going to go out for an evening walk, and he was gone.

I cannot handle that thought. Knowing that people I love will die (inevitably) makes life not worth it to me. I know everyone says that there's life after death, but none of us can even fathom what that will be like. It really bothers me that the Bible is a filled with parables and stories that aren't necessarily the truth but rather represent a greater idea. Sweet. So the earth wasn't really formed in seven days? The apple, the Garden of Eden, and Adam and Eve? Did that really happen? Or is it more like a case of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, who you really really want to believe exist because it brings the supernatural to life?

I don't know. I feel like I'm waiting for the moment for the Church to announce that 'you know the whole Jesus story? that was an embellishment, too.' Which brings me to another qualm. We praise Jesus everyday for dying for our sins so that we can be saved in the end. HE was the one who decided that we needed to be saved from something. He invented us. He thought it would be cool to give us free will. If God is the creator of everything, then he gave permission for the introduction of evil, and then allowed us to be put in a place where good people are murdered and abused and stressed and hurt and lost - and THEN if we screw up, we're damned to hell. But then again, since he designed it so that no one is perfect (but him), the best we can do is to only suffer in purgatory for a little while. And we're supposed to be THANKFUL?!!

There's a quote from Grey's Anatomy that starts out, "Maybe we're not supposed to be happy." The rest of the quote is worthless, but that sticks out to me. Why should we be happy? I think it's all an allusion. There are certain things that make other people happy that would NEVER make me happy. Why do we have such an obsession with happiness? It fades. Sadness fades. All emotions fade. Also, Clyde was talking about how he and his wife decided early on in their marriage to spend all of their money on trips - "on memories." Are memories really that important? What about regrets? So what if you're on your deathbed and you have regrets? You're going to die in three minutes and then it's not going to matter anymore. Yet people are consumed with it.

Okay, those are just some of the things that have crossed my mind lately. As a disclaimer, I want to say that I will never stop going to church. I will never stop trying to believe. And I think that in the end, the way we treat people is the only thing that matters.