I am so EXCITED EXCITED EXCITED.

I think this is the first time I can say that and know that I'm not kidding myself. EEEEEEK. I think I know what changed my mind, too, although it's kind of weird.

Amy called me into the sunroom last night because she was watching home movies. The first one she popped in was my dad's fortieth birthday, when a bunch of guys from his work showed up with a wheelchair and a massive sign for the front lawn. When they got to work and wheeled my dad into the conference room, a woman donning secretary gear stood up and starting gyrating her hips and unbuttoning her blouse. This is the point where Amy and I screamed and covered our eyes and fast-forwarded it to a safe part where our dad was eating pizza at Godfather's with his good buddies. Whew.

So then we switched to a safer video - one from nine years ago when Kevin was learning to walk and Amy in all of her chipmunk-cheeked glory whined from the opposing couch. And I saw us all as little kids, when things were simple and self-consciousness was non-existent and we were all our own unadulterated selves. I was confident, I was cute, I was blessedly naive, and I clearly had the oldest child syndrome! I was self-assured because I didn't have a reason not to be.

I think as you grow up, you sometimes lose sight of the person inside of you. You develop a paradigm of yourself and you feel like you have to fit in that clearly inadequate little bubble. You set limitations for your dreams.

Looking at myself on the screen as I used baby Kevin as a shield to block Amy's irritated kicks, the way I smiled and laughed and clapped - like no one was watching - just made me feel so rejuvenated. It reminded me that I can do anything and that there are enough people in the world to set limitations for me without me doing it to myself.

I am going to London and I will unashamedly be myself and I will have fun and I will not stress out. And when I have to be mature and be at work by 9 a.m. - all polished and ready to go - I will go out clubbing the night before.